first, assemble your suspects polishes and tools.
clean off your nails while doing lamaze breathing to prepare yourself for the hate train that's comin.
paint your base coat. dont worry too hard about this step, you're just going to have to go ahead and repaint a nail anyway. because you hate life.
choose the streakiest white and light blue you own. go ahead, because you hate yourself. remember how you bought a clearance dupe of the light blue and its paler, streaky cousin because you're an asshole.
attempt to put down one coat of each, alternating.
remember how maybelline has since improved its formula, too far in the opposite direction on some, though. their brocade polish line SUCKED. so naturally i have like two of them.
l'oreal's gotten okay.
TOLD YOU. hope you have a cotton ball already dampened so you don't have to redo all of them. haha.
curse the gods as you apply a second coat. THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS.
immediately double-tap your wet pinky nail on a lurking bottle of polish, leaving two spots of white on a pink bottle and a spot of pink on what should be a white nail.
just... ugh.
to calm down while you wait for your nails to dry, watch something soothing, like old white men discussing women's reproductive rights.
dont ever clean your brushes, so that when you try to pick up some white paint, you end up reawakening the purple on your dirty brush. FUCK.
decide to get out a second brush.
smudge your nail.
then this happens when you try to take the lid off.
ITS NOT EVEN THE BRUSH YOU WANTED.
by now, the puddle of white polish you set out should have half-dried into a sludge. resign yourself to doling out more white polish. after all, you have four other bottles you could have used instead.
that you didn't, for some reason.
using the white and an angled small brush, paint two long strokes that come to a point on your nail. these will form bunny ears. you can fill these in all with white or not; the white will give your pink to line the ears a better base to pop from, but i like the shadowed look it took on. and don't worry if your ears aren't perfectly symmetrical; if you're smart, you surround yourself with non-creatives so that everything you do is doubly impressive.
you could also use a brown polish for the ears, or one of those ugly as hell fuzzy coats. velvet flocking could be cool, too. yeah for some reason i like velvet flocking but hate fuzzy polish. LOGIC.
prepare to spongepaint your 'egg' nails!
slap on a bunch of pink onto an old cosmetic sponge...
try to open your pale yellow...
it went a step further to where the stem seperated from the black cap but of course it only does that when i want the polish open...
so after that matryoshka of failure, spongepaint your nail pink anyway because fuck the police.
i intentionally want it nice and pale on the nail, so it's the soft milky color of actual egg dye. and so it shows every imperfection in that white base.
this is why it's important to have a good base layer.
drop your sponge onto your hairy-ass carpet at some point. just... for fuck's sake. it's hairy because i have cats, okay?!
redone nail count: 2 (not counting minor touch-ups with dotting tools)
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU KEPT SOME COTTON BALLS READILY AVAILABLE SO YOU WOULDN'T DING YOUR NAILS ON YOUR CABINET DOORS?
add a third layer of white polish. just because. you're using a quick-dry top coat anyway.
use your good serger threading tweezers to hold your moistened cotton ball so you don't fuck up your other nails.
wish your cranberry juice had vodka in it.
get too aggressive with your stamping.
redone nail count: 3
... 4...
take a minute to read something to distract yourself from your anger, like an anti-vaccination website.
5... just barely rescue the nail by letting it dry before slapping more on! you can win! YOU CAN DEFEAT THIS.
you'll come back to this one, don't worry.
a million broken dreams...
ok it might be long enough now, try to repair that one fucker
LEAVE IT. DONT TOUCH IT. IMPERFECTION IS OKAY JUST DONT DICK WITH IT
somehow get really good again, like rocky. or an underdog junior league sports team.
take a minute to listen to something relaxing, like screamo music.
start doing the grass!
begin with the darkest color, which for some fucking reason maybelline thinks is "teal". it's practically kelly green, you assholes.
do about 3-5 stripes a nail with your striping brush. it's okay for them to be a little streaky and uneven, because your yard probably is right now.
unless you're done decorating your "eggs", skip and just do your blue (and bunny ear) nails!
then your next deep green
that bitchin chartreuse...
and then light green, which ends up blending in perfectly with the light blue so congrats, it was pointless.
i recommend doing a variety of greens to add depth and keep it from looking like you fucked up a gradient. looks more realistic.
top your eggs with some glitter, or draw patterns in white if you want. i settled for glitter because i was ready to drown myself.
let that all dry while you meditate on the zimmerman trial.
now, add your grass to your eggs! to show off the gradient, you can do fewer and shorter grass stripes.
definitely do some cleanup, because gurl you are a meeeesssss.
swear on all that is holy that if you fuck up a nail you will burn down the nearest sally's.
nail polish remover burns like a bitch when it gets in your nailbed!
have your roommate take pictures and 'guess' what it is. she says grass and easter lilies/tulips, but when you explain the bunny ears and shit she gets it and gets all excited. also the picture didn't turn out but you get the point, right?
try seche vite for the first time, hope it doesn't shrink your polish!
you wanna check and see if they're dry DONT TOUCH THEM, DONT FUCKING TOU
you have to pee and your boyfriend isn't around to undo your pants. your roommate volunteers to do it, but you guys just... are not on that level.
god damn it.
the boyfriend comes in and undoes your pants, which is kind of hot and you get kind of confused for a minute about what's going on, until he asks if you feel like a five-year-old yet.
"hey, just wait until you have to wipe me," you reply, swiftly killing all the boners.
when he whines about having to do your pants back up, point out you coddled his ass for two weeks while he was recuperating from surgery. win every argument forever this way.
wait this seche stuff is already dry and THIS FUCKING SHINY?! holy balls.
weep tears of joy, because it's over.
and now you have to put all that polish away.
clean off your nails while doing lamaze breathing to prepare yourself for the hate train that's comin.
paint your base coat. dont worry too hard about this step, you're just going to have to go ahead and repaint a nail anyway. because you hate life.
 |
| Maybelline "Poolside", the worst. |
choose the streakiest white and light blue you own. go ahead, because you hate yourself. remember how you bought a clearance dupe of the light blue and its paler, streaky cousin because you're an asshole.
attempt to put down one coat of each, alternating.
 |
| L'Oreal "I Will". No, you won't, you cretin. |
remember how maybelline has since improved its formula, too far in the opposite direction on some, though. their brocade polish line SUCKED. so naturally i have like two of them.
l'oreal's gotten okay.
 |
| Technically this happened before I did the coat of white. Whatever, timejump. |
 |
| It only looks okay here because it's such a small picture. |
immediately double-tap your wet pinky nail on a lurking bottle of polish, leaving two spots of white on a pink bottle and a spot of pink on what should be a white nail.
 |
| I hate that pink anyway. |
to calm down while you wait for your nails to dry, watch something soothing, like old white men discussing women's reproductive rights.
dont ever clean your brushes, so that when you try to pick up some white paint, you end up reawakening the purple on your dirty brush. FUCK.
decide to get out a second brush.
 |
| fuck |
 |
| FUCK |
ITS NOT EVEN THE BRUSH YOU WANTED.
by now, the puddle of white polish you set out should have half-dried into a sludge. resign yourself to doling out more white polish. after all, you have four other bottles you could have used instead.
that you didn't, for some reason.
using the white and an angled small brush, paint two long strokes that come to a point on your nail. these will form bunny ears. you can fill these in all with white or not; the white will give your pink to line the ears a better base to pop from, but i like the shadowed look it took on. and don't worry if your ears aren't perfectly symmetrical; if you're smart, you surround yourself with non-creatives so that everything you do is doubly impressive.
you could also use a brown polish for the ears, or one of those ugly as hell fuzzy coats. velvet flocking could be cool, too. yeah for some reason i like velvet flocking but hate fuzzy polish. LOGIC.
prepare to spongepaint your 'egg' nails!
slap on a bunch of pink onto an old cosmetic sponge...
 |
| OPI "Chic from Ears To Tail" |
try to open your pale yellow...
 |
| Kleancolor "Pastel Yellow" |
 |
| oh for fuck's sake |
so after that matryoshka of failure, spongepaint your nail pink anyway because fuck the police.
 |
| yeah, that doesn't look shitty at all |
 |
| this would be pretty if it wasn't shit. |
this is why it's important to have a good base layer.
drop your sponge onto your hairy-ass carpet at some point. just... for fuck's sake. it's hairy because i have cats, okay?!
redone nail count: 2 (not counting minor touch-ups with dotting tools)
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU KEPT SOME COTTON BALLS READILY AVAILABLE SO YOU WOULDN'T DING YOUR NAILS ON YOUR CABINET DOORS?
add a third layer of white polish. just because. you're using a quick-dry top coat anyway.
use your good serger threading tweezers to hold your moistened cotton ball so you don't fuck up your other nails.
 |
| accuse your polishes of the "bystander effect" |
 |
| aw fuck you |
redone nail count: 3
 |
| UGGGGHHHHHHHHH |
take a minute to read something to distract yourself from your anger, like an anti-vaccination website.
 |
| THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT. FOUR-YEAR OLDS CAN USE SPONGES. |
you'll come back to this one, don't worry.
a million broken dreams...
ok it might be long enough now, try to repair that one fucker
LEAVE IT. DONT TOUCH IT. IMPERFECTION IS OKAY JUST DONT DICK WITH IT
somehow get really good again, like rocky. or an underdog junior league sports team.
take a minute to listen to something relaxing, like screamo music.
start doing the grass!
 |
| i keep going back to maybelline, what the fuck is my problem |
do about 3-5 stripes a nail with your striping brush. it's okay for them to be a little streaky and uneven, because your yard probably is right now.
unless you're done decorating your "eggs", skip and just do your blue (and bunny ear) nails!
that bitchin chartreuse...
and then light green, which ends up blending in perfectly with the light blue so congrats, it was pointless.
i recommend doing a variety of greens to add depth and keep it from looking like you fucked up a gradient. looks more realistic.
top your eggs with some glitter, or draw patterns in white if you want. i settled for glitter because i was ready to drown myself.
let that all dry while you meditate on the zimmerman trial.
now, add your grass to your eggs! to show off the gradient, you can do fewer and shorter grass stripes.
definitely do some cleanup, because gurl you are a meeeesssss.
swear on all that is holy that if you fuck up a nail you will burn down the nearest sally's.
nail polish remover burns like a bitch when it gets in your nailbed!
have your roommate take pictures and 'guess' what it is. she says grass and easter lilies/tulips, but when you explain the bunny ears and shit she gets it and gets all excited. also the picture didn't turn out but you get the point, right?
 |
| every step of this has been failure, why stop now |
you wanna check and see if they're dry DONT TOUCH THEM, DONT FUCKING TOU
you have to pee and your boyfriend isn't around to undo your pants. your roommate volunteers to do it, but you guys just... are not on that level.
god damn it.
the boyfriend comes in and undoes your pants, which is kind of hot and you get kind of confused for a minute about what's going on, until he asks if you feel like a five-year-old yet.
"hey, just wait until you have to wipe me," you reply, swiftly killing all the boners.
when he whines about having to do your pants back up, point out you coddled his ass for two weeks while he was recuperating from surgery. win every argument forever this way.
wait this seche stuff is already dry and THIS FUCKING SHINY?! holy balls.
weep tears of joy, because it's over.
and now you have to put all that polish away.
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